The Armed Technician

Laura Johnson - No trial blackout

2012-01-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

Accused London rioter Laura Johnson is still going to court, just at a later date.

Case # T20110780 will go to trial on March 19, 2012. Be there or be square.

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Riot trial news blackout

2012-01-17T06:39:00.000-05:00

It would appear that some defendants in the UK riot trial are afforded rights not extended to others.

Fear not, my sources in country are working on it.

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Laura Johnson in court

2012-01-11T06:55:00.001-05:00

Millionaire’s daughter Laura Johnson, who is alleged to have taken part in the London riots by looting thousands of pounds of electronic goods, is on trial this week.

The former Exeter University student pleaded not guilty to five counts of burglary following the London riots of August last year. She was said to have been found driving a car, along with two males aged 17 and 18, which contained £5,000 of stolen goods.

The goods were allegedly linked to the looting of a Comet branch in Charlton, south-east London.

Johnson’s father, Robert, is a businessman, he and his wife Lindsay run the direct marketing company Avongate.

Troy, Michigan, Mayor Janice Daniels needs to resign

2011-12-07T06:39:00.001-05:00

Troy, Michigan, Mayor Janice Daniels needs to resign after posting the comment on her Facebook account "I think I am going to throw away my I Love New York carrying bag now that queers can get married there."

Daniels, who is not an attractive woman, offered a limp wristed apology when news broke of her hatred towards gays.

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Hattie Yvonne Branch attacks child on school bus

2011-10-14T06:35:00.000-04:00

Hattie Yvonne Branch told police that a 14-year-old boy riding her bus would regularly shout profanity at her, threaten to break her jaw, gesture with his elbow as if to strike her and added "I don't have any problem with nobody but him" she said.

On June 2, police say Branch went into a rage and beat the boy — pulling his hair, hitting him and biting his back twice.

Prosecutors recently released recorded surveillance footage on the bus showing the encounter between Branch and the boy.

The bus' driver, Charlene Wimes, can be heard on the video yelling for Branch to stop and let the boy go.

Branch was arrested July 8 and was released the next day from jail on $10,000 bail, records show. Branch faces a charge of child abuse.

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Ethnic cookles

2011-10-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

A friend got these cookies while on assignment overseas. They taste like bananas apparently.

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Spacker goes swimming sitting down

2011-10-07T19:50:00.002-04:00

In the "I can't make this shit up" category today, a woman in England drove her electric wheelchair into sea off a pier!

The woman, believed to be in her 20s, was with her family in Lyme Regis when her wheelchair rolled off the stone-built Victoria Pier in the harbor.

Police, paramedics and the Coast Guard were called to the incident. The woman was flown to Dorset County Hospital, Dorchester, by air ambulance.

Rescuers said the rescue was difficult partly because the woman was apparently strapped into the wheelchair 9' under water.

She's dead now. In other news...

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Cat targeted by gunman

2011-10-07T06:51:00.000-04:00

A cat is recovering after being shot in the head in a village in Devon, England.

The cat, known as Beemer, is recovering from an operation to remove the bullet after the attack in Winkleigh.

Devon and Cornwall Police and the RSPCA were investigating the incident and SWAT is conducting a search of the area.

Beemer's owner, Carley Parker, said: "Originally we thought he had been run over... five days later we took him to the vets and they found the bullet in his head."

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Apple admits, "Steve Jobs is really dead"

2011-10-06T06:42:00.000-04:00

After initially dismissing the reports about the death of Steve Jobs, Apple has officially admitted it's true, promising a resurrection in a couple of weeks. There's a catch, though.

Apple's promised rise from the dead may not be good everyone. Apple claims it has erroneously calculated the greatness of Steve Jobs and therefore Jobs had actually been an ordinary man for his entire life.

Here's Apple's official announcement:

Dear Mindless Herd Followers,

We were surprised when we read reports of Steve Jobs being dead and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

To start with, Steve Jobs was an ordinary human being, not a god. All human beings will eventually die. This is true of Steve Jobs, as well as Bill Gates, Justin Bieber and even Princess Diana.

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that Steve Jobs was a god who could walk on water and turn shit into gold. This matches our own experience and observations. What can explain all of this?

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how great Steve Jobs was is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly labels Steve as an incredible visionary.

To fix this, we are adopting a broader view for calculating how amazing Steve Jobs was. The real awesomeness remains the same, but the perception will be far more accurate, providing fans a much better indication of how great Jobs really was.

We hope you loved Steve Jobs as much as we do.

Thank you for your patience and support.

Apple

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iZombie rampage

2011-10-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

Reports are coming in that Steve Jobs has risen from the dead and is roaming Cupertino, CA attacking bystanders and eating their brains.

Undead Jobs was an entreprenur by some standards and did some shit with computers that arty types and people who don't understand real computers liked.

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Captain Gay Steve Jobs is dead!

2011-10-05T20:39:00.000-04:00

In a move seen by many as a way of drawing criticism away from the lackluster launch of the ~~iPhone 5~~ iPhone 4S, Steve Jobs died today.

Jobs was famous for being the pretentious asshole who co-founded Apple, got fired, then came back and 'invented' the MP3 player.

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Damien Fowkes - should be freed

2011-10-05T06:48:00.001-04:00

A British prisoner who attacked child killer Ian Huntley and strangled another child killer has been given a second life sentence instead of a medal.

Damien Fowkes, 36, who was already serving a life term, slashed Huntley's throat in Durham's Frankland Jail in March 2010.

He also strangled child killer Colin Hatch with strips of bedding at Full Sutton Prison near York in February. Hatch wass serving a life sentence for murdering a seven-year-old boy while on parole for a previous child sex attack

Fowkes should have received a knighthood and a full pardon.

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Amanda Knox - what the fuck?

2011-10-04T13:57:00.000-04:00

Amanda Knox fled Italy today and headed home to Seattle. The sex addict and former imprisoned murderer was released by Italian authorities yesterday.

Knox, pictured above, was clearly somber as she reflected on her incarceration.

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Finally some recognition

2011-10-04T13:54:00.000-04:00

That's right kids, Samantha Bee was here.

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Another fucktard bites the dust

2011-09-30T06:29:00.001-04:00

The US-born radical islamist cleric, suspected al-Qaeda leader and child molester Anwar al-Awlaki (pronounced al-cunt-face) has been killed dead in Yemen, the country's defense ministry reported.

Awlaki, of Yemeni and dog descent, had been on the run in Yemen since December 2007.

The US is now officially 'on a roll', having killed multiple high profile terrorist targets in recent months. We now need only two more kills to win the division and make it to the Sand Bowl.

The US had named Awlaki a "specially designated global terrorist" for his alleged role in a number of attacks and President Barack Obama is said to have personally ordered his killing by saying "go get that son of a bitch".

The defence ministry statement said only that he died painfully "along with some of his companions", awww!

It gave no further details of his death. Sources said he was killed in an air strike. Hooray!

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Adoption of children 'falls markedly'

2011-09-29T06:32:00.001-04:00

The number of children being adopted in England has fallen markedly, according to Department for Education statistics.

Anne Marie Carrie, of the Barnardo's charity, said it was a "tragedy". Children's Minister Tim Loughton said he would see if he had any brown ones and then appeal directly to Angelina Jolie to see if she could take any more.

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Casey Anthony - psycho extreme

2011-09-28T06:55:00.000-04:00

A Florida judge could decide Wednesday whether a controversial jailhouse videotape of psycho bitch and party animal Casey Anthony can be released to the public.

The footage of Anthony reacting to the news that her daughter Caylee's remains have been found (where she left them) was sealed before her murder trial. A judge had ruled that the tape was "highly inflammatory."

I sure hope the tape doesn't swing public opinion and make her out to be some kind of monster or something.

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Aussies let women into military combat roles

2011-09-27T06:34:00.000-04:00

In a move which will likely cause the structure of civilised society to crumble, Australia has lifted all restrictions on the roles that women can carry out in its armed forces.

Suitably-qualified female soldiers will be able to serve in the special forces and front-line combat units making sandwiches and keeping the place tidy.

Canada, New Zealand and Israel already allow women in all military roles. Of these only Israeli female soldiers are both smokin' hot and able to kill you with their bare hands.

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New Toys

2011-09-25T22:29:00.000-04:00

The Armed Technician has a new off duty carry gun, a Browning Hi-Power.

This is the famous gun that was once standard issue to FBI field agents, now it's older and dropped in favor of the polymer frame. I still like this particular gun and the one I'm carrying has magnaporting, making the whole shooting experience almost cum-worthy.

So bad guys, feel free to try to get the drop on me while I'm not wearing a vest, I'll show you the new tricks this old dog has learned.

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British Police kick muslim extremists in their collective cunt

2011-09-25T21:57:00.001-04:00

Six paki men have been charged with terrorism offences, including a suspected suicide bombing campaign, British police have said.

Four of the men were charged with preparing for an act of terrorism in the UK, and two with failing to disclose information and eating too much curry.

It follows a police operation in Birmingham, England last week.

The six, all from Birmingham and aged between 25 and 32, will appear at West London Magistrates' Court on Monday.

Irfan Nasser, 30, of Sparkhill, and Irfan Khalid, 26, of Balsall Heath, are accused of preparing for an act of terrorism, including travelling to Pakistan for training in terrorism, making a martyrdom video and planning a bombing campaign.

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The 2012 Total Apocalypse, End of the World, Shit Hits the Fan Fest

2011-09-25T20:58:00.001-04:00

As everyone who watches those specials on cable knows, the world will end on December 21, 2012. For the rest of us there's a distinct possibility we'll greet the dawning of December 22, 2012 not bowing down to alien overlords, beating away zombies or wearing tank tops and hiding from Terminator-esque robots.

Some people are making a shit load of money from the collective belief that Armageddon is approaching though.

Despite the apparent increase in natural disasters around the world in recent years, I tend to think that the chances of something so spectacular as the total destruction of the human race is unlikely at this time.

As a species we are unique, but in the grand scheme of things we're just interstellar dust floating around one lonely corner of a galaxy that is itself just one of (insert impossibly big number here) other galaxies.

This does not mean you shouldn't stock up on guns and ammo. You never need an excuse for that. My advice, go for pump shotguns, they have that very satisfying noise when you load them.

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Power to the veiled people

2011-09-25T19:25:00.001-04:00

Women in Saudi Arabia are to be given the right to vote and run in future municipal elections, King Abdullah has announced.

"Because we refuse to marginalise women in society in all roles that comply with sharia, we have decided, after deliberation with our senior clerics and others... to involve women in the Shura Council as members, starting from next term," he said with heavy emphasis on the sharia part.

I applaud the cavemen of Saudi for inching a little closer to the same place on the timeline that the rest of the world lives in. Now if you could just let your womenfolk walk in front of you, or even next to you, oh and let them take off those ghost outfits for fucks sake.

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Iran hikers Shane Bauer and Josh Fattal back in the USA

2011-09-25T19:08:00.000-04:00

The pair of American hikers we've heard occasional updates about are back on US soil after two years in an Iranian prison.

"We would like to be very clear," Shane Bauer said. "This was never about crossing the unmarked border between Iran and Iraq. We were held because of our nationality."

"It was clear to us from the very beginning that we were hostages," Fattal said.

Fattal, Bauer and a third hiker, Sarah Shourd, were arrested in July 2009, after they allegedly strayed over an unmarked border into Iran while hiking in northern Iraq's Kurdish region. It was a bullshit charge which had more to do with propaganda than geography.

Fattal said "there are many other cases of unauthorized entry to Iran in which people were simply fined or deported after a short time. We do not know if we crossed the border. We will probably never know. But even if we did enter Iran, that has never been the reason why the Iranian authorities kept us in prison for so long."

Iran needs to be wiped off the map. The impotent leadership of that third world state need to be removed, preferably by SEAL Team 6.

Iran is to the rest of the world what the Romulan Empire is to Star Trek. They look similar to us, but the have a completely different set of values and goals.

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Paul Douglas Peters - criminal simple mind

2011-09-24T09:41:00.001-04:00

Hundreds of Australian interweb people have flocked to this site today looking for information on Madeleine Pulver's tits and Paul Douglas Peters.

Peters has been extradited to Australia to face charges over an alleged attempt to extort money by locking Pulver to a fake bomb.

He arrived in Sydney, Australia on Saturday morning under guard on a flight from the US, where he was arrested in Kentucky in mid-August. He was charged with kidnapping and other offences, but not apparently with sucking on Pulver's generous chest puppies.

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There's no place like home

2011-09-23T16:46:00.000-04:00

Oh dear, best put the kettle on.

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Victoria Jones - Psycho? Yes. Criminal? No.

2011-09-23T13:47:00.001-04:00

A teacher who used baby pictures from Facebook to make her ex-boyfriend think they had a baby has been banned from working in the classroom for two years.

Taff bint Victoria Jones continued the con for two years, the General Teaching Council for Wales heard. She was found guilty of unacceptable professional conduct, a charge she had denied and which I happen to side with her on.

Ms Jones was accused of weaving "an elaborate web of deceit" to gain revenge on her ex-boyfriend Daniel Barberini, 26, after their 16-month relationship ended.

Clearly this woman is a psycho, but what she did was not criminal and had nothing to do with her job. She should not have been punished by her employer.

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A mighty big Marine

2011-09-23T10:25:00.005-04:00

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I cannee change the laws of physics!

2011-09-23T06:41:00.003-04:00

Puzzling results from Cern, home of the Large Hard-on Collider, have confounded physicists because subatomic particles seem to have beaten the speed of light! Huzzah!

Cheeky Neutrinos sent through the ground from Cern toward the Gran Sasso laboratory 732km away in one of the scientists garages, seemed to come too early. I find it helps to think about sports.

The result - which threatens to upend a century of physics - were put online for scrutiny by other scientists.

Montgomery Scott, 9.5 fingered Chief Engineer on the USS Enterprise was unavailable for comment (because he's dead).

If Scotty were alive he'd have figured out how this happened about ten minutes before the end of the world, probably using some previously unmentioned technology aboard the Enterprise, which he rigged up to the main deflector dish while saying something about Tachyons and feedback loops. That crazy dead Scottish cunt.

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Timothy Claypole

2011-09-22T13:50:00.000-04:00

Above is an artists impression of the threat level I feel from stalkers.

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USMC Major Darrel Choat - one tough Marine

2011-09-20T20:45:00.000-04:00

"I am a patriotic American. I am an officer of the Marines who loves country, Corps and my Marines. I am doing the best to serve proudly and honorably and I happen to be gay."

That sentence was written by Major Choat, USMC. He has publicly acknowledged for the first time that he's gay, today, the day that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ends.

I salute you Major.

Allana Harkin - smokin' hot funny woman

2011-09-17T12:24:00.002-04:00

She might be Canadian, but Allana Harkin is one sexy woman.

Too kind

2011-09-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

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TFIF almost

2011-09-15T22:56:00.000-04:00

It's been a long fucking week. I hate JAG.

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David Cameron - Rioters are sick

2011-09-15T06:43:00.002-04:00

David Cameron has said ‘There are pockets of our society that are not only broken, but frankly SICK!’ as he talked about the criminal rioters that ransacked the UK recently.

Cameron detailed moves to compensate riot-damaged businesses and help them get back on their feet.

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Riot Rundown with Casey Casem

2011-09-15T06:33:00.000-04:00

During and after the riots that rocked the UK more than 3,000 people were arrested.

Most people are in custody pending another hearing. Some people have been jailed for up to a maximum of eight months, others have been freed on bail to appear in court again at a later date.

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Information for Stalkers

2011-09-14T06:29:00.001-04:00

Using Google to search for 'Armed Technician' and then clicking on a link to come here doesn't make you invisible. It just makes you creepy.

Not long until September 21!

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The Armed Technician's lady friend

2011-09-13T21:30:00.002-04:00

One of the fans happened to be in town tonight....

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The Great British Nanny State

2011-09-13T13:22:00.001-04:00

A British man has been jailed for posting abusive messages online about a schoolgirl after she committed suicide.

Sean Duffy, 25, of Reading, England was sentenced to 18 weeks in jail for posts on social networking sites about Worcester teenager Natasha MacBryde.

Nothing the guy posted was threatening. He didn't incite violence or libel anyone. He's going to jail for upsetting people. What the fuck is next? Firing squads for name calling? Cunts.

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2011-09-11T08:08:00.000-04:00

It is ten years since the world changed.

America is stronger, the terrorists are weaker and on the run. The war is not over, but we are winning.

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Too bad

2011-09-09T20:56:00.000-04:00

My #1 fan continues the sad attempt to identify me! Now he is trying to get on one of the blogs that I've visited. Problem is, it's invitation only and he, well, isn't invited.

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Leatherhead, Surrey

2011-09-09T20:29:00.002-04:00

If you're in Leatherhead and need a coffee, they have Starbucks.

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Yellow Submarine stolen by retard

2011-09-09T06:48:00.001-04:00

A 'model' of the Beatles yellow submarine has been stolen from outside the Liverpool (well there's your problem) church where scouse bastard and former amputee-fucker Paul McCartney used to be fiddled as a choirboy.

The 6ft by 5ft wooden cut-out of a yellow and red submarine in the grounds of the church, was made by a member of the congregation with way too much time on their hands.

It was discovered stolen on 28 August. Police said they were investigating, but not very seriously.

The Reverend Alan Kennedy said: "The church is opened up each year for a Beatles weekend so people can see where Paul McCartney sang and feel the love of Jesus Christ! We get literally tens of people."

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Great.. now I have to work the weekend

2011-09-08T20:33:00.003-04:00

The Department of Homeland Security is warning of a "credible threat" of a terror strike in advance of the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

Giving no specific details, a statement said: "It's accurate that there is specific, credible but unconfirmed threat information."

ABC News is reporting that three individuals - one US citizen - entered the country in August with the intent of carrying out a terror attack inside the US, but the report remains unconfirmed.

Oh please let some punk terrorist bitch try this where I'm working, I'd love to blow his last thought out the back of his head.

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Rebecca Black mauled to death by rabid fan

2011-09-08T12:32:00.002-04:00

Teen pop princess Rebecca Black has died after being mauled by an overexcited fan Wednesday evening, authorities said.

Black was airlifted to Houston's Memorial Hermann Hospital and died early Thursday morning, the Houston Chronicle reported.

The fan, who has not been identified, broke into the house where Black was staying. The fan first sniffed Rebecca Black, who was resting on a couch, and then mauled her. It was noted that Black had spent some time debating which seat she should take before deciding on the sofa.

Family members quickly responded by pulling the fan off Black, but it was too late.

"It's terrible and unexpected," a witness told the Houston Chronicle. "I can't think of anything that would have led to this incident, especially right before Friday, when I gotta get down."

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Thank-you Hannah O'Donovan

2011-09-08T09:33:00.004-04:00

You know what for....

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Mental spastics invade London, England

2011-09-08T06:38:00.000-04:00

Hundreds of wheelchair bound mental folk are demonstrating in London's Trafalgar Square today.

British swimmer Ellie Simmonds, who is at the event, told the BBC "It's madness, the spackers are dribbling everywhere and pissing themselves. Oh my god I can't believe it."

Simmonds' Great Britain team-mate Sascha Kindred was also at Trafalgar Square. She told a worried reporter "When I discovered wheelchair basketball it changed my life."

Riot police responded in force and several arrests were made. Over two hundred wheelchairs have been clamped.

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Old cow

2011-09-07T06:36:00.002-04:00

In an incident completely unrelated to the picture above, an 81-year-old woman from Norfolk, England has had "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed across her chest in case she falls ill and attempts are made to revive her.

Joy Tomkins, who once dated Hitler, had the message tattooed, along with "Pay as you enter" on her ass, earlier this year.

Tomkins said she could not bear to "make beds and wash-up for another 20 years. My mother-in-law lived to be 106 and in the last six years of her life she'd have been much better dead. She was miserable". I'm not surprised with this crazy old bitch coming to visit her.

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Drunk bitch drives wrong way

2011-09-07T06:23:00.000-04:00

A British woman who drove the wrong way for 23 miles on an interstate in Somerset, England has been jailed for nine months.

Deborah Hunt (which rhymes with cunt) drove north on the southbound side of the road in July of this year. She was twice over DUI limit and had no auto insurance, Bristol Crown Court was told.

She pleaded guilty to dangerous driving, driving under the influence of alcohol, driving without insurance and being a cunt.

She was awarded 'Driver of the Year' by the Women's Institute in Britain.

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So this is where I was

2011-09-05T20:12:00.001-04:00

Apparently it's OK for me to tell anyone who cares that the work I did over the weekend was for Tricia Helfer's people. So, I just did.

Nice lady, very tall.

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Enjoy Labor Day

2011-09-05T12:38:00.002-04:00

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More fan mail

2011-09-04T21:25:00.002-04:00

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Dragon*Con

2011-09-04T20:27:00.003-04:00

I just got back from Dragon*Con 2011, this being the first time I attended such an event.

I was there in a professional capacity, doing a bit of side work... I've already said more than I know.

Anyway - the best part of Dragon*Con? The women. There were some smokin' hot chicks at this gig, which surprised the hell out of me. When it was described I figured it would be all fat, short dwarf types.

Don't believe me? Check out this candid snap:

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Fatty Adele cancels concerts

2011-09-03T18:03:00.000-04:00

Fat pop singer Adele has been forced to cancel the first two shows of her UK tour because of a severe shortage of pies.

The 23-year-old had been due to perform at Plymouth Pavilions on Sunday. Operations manager Alfredo Abad said the concert would be rescheduled as soon as more pies were air lifted in from the factory.

The 400lb Grammy-winner's hits include Cracking Pavements Under My Lard Ass and Someone Like You is Just Right Between Meals.

A message on Adele's official website read: "It is with regret that due to a severe shortage of pies, Adele has had to postpone the first two shows of her UK tour. We apologize for any inconvenience caused and look forward to seeing you all at the rescheduled shows along with a large supply of cakes."

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Where is Holly Bobo?

2011-09-03T17:53:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe, but Holly Bobo has been missing five months now. On April 13 the 20-year-old vanished from Darden, Tennessee, apparently abducted by a man in camouflage.

Bobo is 5-feet-3 and weighs 110 pounds. She was last seen wearing a pink shirt and blue jeans.

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Catch Adam Collard's killer

2011-09-03T16:31:00.002-04:00

Photographs have been released of a silver Passat that police suspect was involved in a fatal hit and run in Solihull, England.

Adam Collard, 24, from Solihull was crossing Sheaf Lane in Sheldon, Birmingham on 30 August when he was hit and killed by a car. Later a silver VW Passat with damage to the trunk and hood was found abandoned about five miles away in Wolseley Close, Smithswood, Solihull.

Sgt Chris Jones, from West Midlands Police's collision investigation unit, said "We are in the process of examining the car, speaking to witnesses and checking CCTV"

He said the car had substantial damage to the front and a distinctive red and grey or black badge on the boot that read RSTUNING.

Anyone who remembers seeing the Passat being driven before the crash at about 01:15 BST on 30 August, is asked to contact police.

Call West Midlands Police Collision Investigation Unit at Aston police station on 0121 322 6098 or visit www.west-midlands.police.uk

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Stan Lee attacks Gulf Coast

2011-09-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

Legendary comic book writer and tropical Storm Stan Lee was strengthening as he swirled toward the Gulf Coast at a leisurely pace early Saturday.

Heavy rains will pound some areas along the Gulf coast, with some forecast to receive up to 20 inches.

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Manchester Fans

2011-09-03T12:29:00.000-04:00

More fan mail from the UK. This one comes from someone named after an osbcure computer game who lives in Manchester.

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Ten Years

2011-09-02T20:29:00.000-04:00

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Give it up you old bastard

2011-08-31T17:00:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here watching Rob Johnson trawling through yet more pages on my site in his Leatherhead mansionette.

I love having all these cool toys.

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Rob Johnson - HEAR MY WORDS

2011-08-31T06:54:00.000-04:00

Look Rob, I know you're trying all kinds of things to figure out who and where I am, but let me save you the time.

People much more qualified and with much better resources (read as BIG LAWYERS, no REALLY big) have tried and failed to do the same thing.

This site has been around for a few years and you are not the first, nor will you be the last, testosterone and rage filled father, brother or boyfriend who will try everything to hunt me down.

Why do you continue to waste your time trying? What do you think you'll do if you figure out who I am? Fire a barrage of libel actions against me? Read the legal bullshit at the top and bottom of the page, it was put there very early on by a really lawyered up dude after someone tried to do the same thing.

Perhaps you'll give me a good thrashing?

Well, unless you're in really good shape and know some uber moves, I promise you that you'll come off worse. Not to mention that I'm a few thousand miles away from you, but you're welcome to spend the money on the plane ticket. Best be quick though, I'm going back to sandville soon.

Here's how this site works. Now and then something in the news catches my eye and I write a short piece on it. Then we move on. Occasionally someone takes offense and decides to write/threaten me.

Now, when this happens one of two things will result. Either I'll ignore it, or it will get more attention.

In your case it got more attention, but then I got distracted. Now you're continuing to challenge my AUTHORITY!

So, the next step is up to you. You can walk away and I'll not give your family another thought OR you can continue picking at this nasty scab.

If you continue, I'll just keep posting more and more information about you, your business, your family and most importantly your daughter. I'll make sure the focus of this and my other site, along with the sites of my fans is 100% you.

I'll email back the reporter from the Sun newspaper who wants to talk all about you and I'll post some of the really juicy information that someone you really upset has sent me.

What does this mean? Well, for one thing it guarantees that from now until the end of the internet, anyone searching for you, your firm, your family, or your daughter will find the information that I post.

I'm only going to post factual information, but we both know that having a tether on your ankle and being in court accused of driving a car full of stolen goods isn't the best reference for a job.

Your move punk.

The above post is not true

Fan Mail

2011-08-30T20:00:00.001-04:00

Let the good times roll...

usmcjgareth@gmail.com dropped me a line today. Here it is in all it's glory:

"u r a fucking prick and if i ever meet u in a dark alley i will smash you face .i read sll that shit you wrote about rangers you fuck. c how fucking tough u r !"

I'm a bit confused what he's complaining about. He's certainly no Devil Dog, especially if he's talking about Rangers. Given the excellent spelling I'd venture he's regular army.

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New Toys

2011-08-30T19:28:00.000-04:00

I love my job. Today I was given this beautiful baby to play with, the SIG 556.

Excuse the slightly out of focus shot, but my hands were trembling with excitement having just put a few hundred rounds through this bitch.

Apparently this is one of the new toys we'll be taking back to the sand box in a few months.

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I love my fans

2011-08-30T16:41:00.003-04:00

Ok, it's a repost, but nice tits.

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Worth saying again

2011-08-30T12:43:00.000-04:00

The above post is not true

Fan Mail

2011-08-30T07:08:00.001-04:00

I received a heart warming message from the UK today:

"Dear AT just wanted to tell you we love the coverage of the rioters and that girl who smashed up the Comet in Charlton. you need any help let me know you got a lot of fans here"

And they sent me this!

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Danger Will Robinson!

2011-08-30T06:31:00.000-04:00

My well placed sources alert me to an attempt to discover my top secret indentity through time travel! Specifically trawling through years old copies of this wonderful site.

Haven't you got anything better to do? Amateurs.

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Guess who just got qualified?

2011-08-29T20:58:00.001-04:00

That's right bitches... coming to an airspace near you.

A few more months and I'll be cutting down taleban.

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Robert Neil Johnson - too fucking easy

2011-08-29T19:40:00.005-04:00

Bobby Johnson (above) just won't give up, bless his cotton socks.

Oh and thanks to one of my readers in the UK, I've gleaned a shit load of information on this prick and his business dealings. I won't even go into the shit I learned about him and Cardiff University.

Bobby's latest message is as follows:

"you are the guy hiding behind the keyboard not me

and it would appear nobody reads your blog anyway

$500 i find you within a month and you can call me "cunt" to my face"

Five hundred bucks? I thought you were supposed to be rich?

Listen cock face, I'll take that bet, but let's make it interesting, $500 and a go on your bint of a daughter.

Oh... and Bobby.. don't think I don't know that you're mailing the other lucky people who have appeared on these pages. All you're doing is buying yourself more attention cunt face, your daughter will love that.

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Christine O'Donnell and her lopsided tits walks out of interview while on the rag

2011-08-18T06:37:00.000-04:00

Christine O'Donnell, former witch and Delaware GOP Senate candidate, walked off the set of CNN's "Piers Morgan (is a cunt) Tonight" Wednesday when asked about her views on gays.

"I'm not talking about policies. I'm not running for office," O'Donnell said, followed by one of those cunt face smiles that bitchy women do when arguing.

When Morgan asked her why she was being "weird" about answering questions on her own statements, O'Donnell grabbed her purse and stormed off the set in a hysterical fit.

Earlier O'Donnell, who looked like she'd put on some weight, warned that the country was heading toward calamity.

“The reality is our country is weak and ripe for alien takeover. Our country is on the brink of collapsing," O’Donnell said. "This is a very grave situation, unlike any time. We need real solutions to prepare against the evil overlords of Theta Omicron 9.”

The above post is not true

Paki fuckers show Chinese stealth tech

2011-08-17T06:31:00.001-04:00

China has denied a report that Pakistan gave it access to the wreckage of a stealth helicopter used in the SEAL raid to shoot the shit out of Osama Bin Laden.

"Those leeports are entireree gloundress and velly lidicurus," the Chinese defence ministry said in a statement.

Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) has been using passive aggressive bullshit tactics since US Special Forces were able to fly undetected into their country and kill the worlds most wanted man, who the ISI had no idea was there.

The ISI, having had their asses handed to them by the US, is feeling a little hurt and is acting out. By showing China the advanced technology of the free world, they have guaranteed the production of helicopters that will cost one hundred times less but will be made from lead and asbestos and will only fly once.

The above post is not true

Cathay Pacific sexy blow job fuck fuck pics!

2011-08-16T06:30:00.001-04:00

Cathay Pacific will delay a marketing campaign, after photographs of crew members allegedly sucking each other off and flashing their junk were published (above).

The airline was due to launch the campaign in September, but it did not feature anyone sucking dicks. This is a shame as I'm sure they'd get a record increase in ticket sales if the female cabin crew provided such a service.

Last week, the Hong Kong carrier announced that two crew members photographed in "compromising situations" were no longer working for the company. A "compromising situation" is often code for blow job.

The above post is not true

Reece Donovan aka Reece Reegan - cock sucking queer boy

2011-08-13T20:54:00.002-04:00

Chav hardman Reece Donovan (also known as Reece Reegan and that bitch queer kid from Cross Road) has appeared in court charged with robbing a student who had been attacked by rioters in London.

Donovan of Chadwell Heath, Romford, England, is accused of being a gay bastard, fiddling with kids and stealing.

Mr Donovan was denied bail and has already been ass raped by several large black men. It is understood that Donovan didn't put up a fight and now that he's gone black he'll never go back.

Reece you gay bastard, if you're reading this (if you can read) and you're a little upset, then "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" and I'll kick your yellow chav teeth down your throat you fucking scumbag cunt.

The above post is not true

iCarly star Miranda Cosgrove breaks tits in bus wreck

2011-08-12T06:49:00.000-04:00

Miranda Cosgrove, 'star' of childrens TV show iCarly, has suffered broken tits in a tour bus crash on I-70 in Vandalia, Illinois.

Miranda Cosgrove and her mother Christina were taken to St. Anthony's Hospital in Effingham, Illinois. Cosgrove's "Dancing Crazy Summer Tour" has been temporarily postponed.

The above post is not true

Garry Bell, sandwich hero He-Man

2011-08-11T06:44:00.004-04:00

Working class hero and nightshift factory worker Garry Bell was walking in Bishop Auckland, England on Sunday night when he was approached by a youth with a gun.

The 51-year-old fat baldie was on his way to work when the bandit struck, held a gun held to his head and tried to steal his sandwich.

Bell said "It was a main road where he did it so he must have been on something, like smack or weed or glue or maybe huffing paint or doing crack or heroin or one of them legal highs or something. I thought he was messing but then he went for the gun and then the fucker tried to rob my sandwich. It was a cucumber one, I spent fucking ages cutting up that cucumber and I wasn't going to let some punk ass bitch gangster with a zip rob it, no way."

Mr Bell(end) held on to the food and the youth ran off. Durham Police said it was unclear whether the gangster was real or a replica.

Durham Police Chief Constable told the press "We remind members of the public that if approached by anyone with a gun who demands their sandwich, just let them have the fucking thing, it's just a sandwich for fucks sake."

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David Cameron is very cross with rioters!

2011-08-10T18:45:00.000-04:00

The British prime minister has said he is very cross with the naughty rioters who have smashed the shit out of several cities in England.

David Cameron said every action would be taken to restore order, with contingency plans for water cannon to be available at 24 hours notice.

Earlier today Cameron assisted police officers in pointing out some of the especially ~~black~~ naughty people he wanted punished.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg is a cunt

2011-08-10T18:39:00.002-04:00

British MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has been charged with being a cunt under emergency anti-cunt laws, which were introduced earlier today.

The MP tried to close down a fake Twitter account in his name because he thought people would think the tweets covering topics such as politics and cricket were genuine.

British police revealed Rees-Mogg had been under surveillance for several weeks and had spent the past few days crying to his Mom about the Tweets.

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Inspiring Leadership

2011-08-09T20:03:00.002-04:00

I was pleasantly surprised to find a role model on television the past week. Michelle Forbes portraying Admiral Helena Cain in the Battlestar Galactica episode "Razor."

Now there's a woman who doesn't fuck about. Need something from civilians? Kill them. Officers not obeying commands? One to the head. Nice.

I especially liked the utilization of the knife throughout the episode. True psycho stuff.

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London's Burning

2011-08-09T06:38:00.001-04:00

Black and asian immigrant youths in London, England spent a third night of rioting on Monday as British Police struggled to keep order.

Rioting has spread across London, with unrest flaring in Birmingham, Liverpool, Nottingham and Bristol. An extra 1,700 police officers were deployed in London, where stores were looted and buildings were set alight.

At least 400 people have been arrested following a wave of "copycat criminal activity" across London over the past three days, the Met Police said. More than 69 people have been charged with various offences.

As is typical in any riot, the original spark of protest has gone. The riot is now fueled by criminals who are looting stores and burning down their own neighborhoods.

The above post is not true

Space alien cum covers Alaskan village Kivalina

2011-08-08T06:38:00.000-04:00

It's more than the ocean causing the salty scent in Kivalina this week. The tiny village in Alaska has been ejaculated on by space aliens.

The invasive cum is orange in color, which is typical of space aliens according to Coast Guard Petty Officer David Mosely. He is sending a sample to the Universty of Alaska.

Pictures taken by resident Mida Swan show an orange sheen across the harbor and on beaches in the village about 625 miles northwest of Anchorage. Swan says she didn’t smell anything odd when she dipped her hand into the substance but she did notice a very strong salty taste when she licked her fingers.

When the material bunched up in the lagoon, it created 10 foot-by-100 foot swaths of glimmering spunky orange.

"When the wind came in, it narrowed them to a few feet wide. The color was a bright neon orange! I never saw anything like it, it's a tragedy." said Frances Douglas, a member of the city council.

Volunteer teams are attempting to clean up the sticky mess while unconfirmed reports say that the Kardashian sisters are flying in with two straws.

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Sanford Wallace, Spam king and cunt

2011-08-05T20:13:00.002-04:00

Spam King Sanford Wallace has surrendered to FBI agents in California.

Prosecutors allege he developed a program that breached Facebook spam filters and lured users to submit their account details.

About 500,000 Facebook accounts were compromised, leading to more than 27 million spam messages being sent.

Mr Wallace, who is from Las Vegas, is charged with six counts of electronic mail fraud, three counts of intentional damage to a protected computer, two counts of criminal contempt and one count of being a four eyed cunt.

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Peter David Crowder, king of the cunts

2011-08-05T06:31:00.002-04:00

British thieving bastard benefit cheat Peter David Crowder claimed he could not work because of arthritis in his hands, until secretly filmed footage captured him playing golf!

Peter David Crowder, 50, from Maghull, Merseyside (bandit country), claimed Disability Living Allowance worth $120,997 over four years.

The court heard how Seal Team 6 carried out covert surveillance on Crowder following an anonymous tip off, probably from a jealous neighbor.

He was seen whacking golf balls at Hurlston Hall Golf and Country Club where he had been a member since 2006. Club records showed the former nurse (that explains the limp wrist) attended the club 461 times between April 4, 2009 and May 28, 2010.

The video footage also showed Crowder was crap at golf.

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Rowan Atkinson killed in fiery super car crash

2011-08-05T06:17:00.003-04:00

Actor Rowan Atkinson was killed this morning after he crashed his McLaren F1 super car.

The Blackadder 'star' is believed to have died instantly, much to the disappointment of many who had hoped for a slow, torturous death as the flames licked his pasty skin.

Firefighters arrived on the scene but refused to put out the fire even by pissing on it.

A spokeswoman for Cambridgeshire Fire and Rescue Service said: "Cunt".

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Emma Gregory survives mad cow attack

2011-08-04T19:36:00.004-04:00

Teenager Emma Gregory believes she could have died when she was trampled by a herd of cows as she cycled home on her BMX.

The 16-year-old sexpot was left with bruised ribs, cracked teeth, dislocated tits and a stutter after the incident, in Wargrave, Berkshire in England.

"I used my bike as a shield but they kicked it over and about 30 circled and attacked for about ten minutes while chewing grass and going 'moo' over and over!"

Emma said she felt very lucky her injuries were not much worse.

"I could have died!" she said.

After Emma's ordeal was reported shocked residents clubbed the cows to death. An online petition has appeared on Facebook to ban the sale of milk, which is a product of cows.

Despite UK Government figures that show three people died in 2010 after being attacked by cows, these evil beasts are still found throughout the English countryside.

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Fiona Bruce covered in sticky mess

2011-08-04T19:24:00.004-04:00

Antiques Roadshow sexpot Fiona Bruce is recovering after a vicious string attack, the BBC has revealed.

Two men have been arrested and fined for spraying BBC presenter Fiona Bruce with aerosol string while she was making an episode of the popular BBC show at Hartland Abbey, near Bideford in north Devon in England, on July 7.

The men, aged 42 and 32, were arrested for common assault with a weapon of mass destruction and fined $160 each, anti-terrorist police confirmed.

A BBC spokeswoman said neither the corporation nor Ms Bruce, who replaced Michael 'cunt face' Aspel as host of Antiques Roadshow in 2008, would comment on the arrests.

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Aussie Hottie Madeleine Pulver, the fake bomb and her tits

2011-08-04T06:19:00.010-04:00

I've been reading about Australian teenager Madeleine Pulver and the "elaborate hoax" where police say a fake bomb was attached to her.

According to the Aussie cops, an intruder apparently entered and placed a suspected explosive device round Miss Pulver's neck. Police took ten hours to remove the device.

Ten hours to remove the device... yeah right.

The cops figured out it was fake in the first minute, the rest of the time they were looking at those juicy chest puppies and delicately moving the 'bomb' around. "Ooh, we better just check in your panties for any secondary devices Miss Pulver"

Imagine if the bomb had been real and had gone off! What a fucking waste.

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Amy Winehouse is dead

2011-07-27T06:29:00.003-04:00

So I understand Amy Winehouse died. I'm not familiar with this bint at all, but from what I've read she did a shit load of drugs and booze.

So was it a smart idea to cremate her? I bet she went up well, not to mention the beautiful mellow feeling in that part of town afterwards.

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Anders Behring Breivik you're a fucking nut job

2011-07-27T06:23:00.004-04:00

The more I learn about Anders Behring Breivik, the more I come to despise and almost pity this prick.

Here's a guy who ranted about the muslim invasion. The spread of islamic terrorism and extremism. You know what brother? You single handedly caused more carnage than any muslim terrorist attack since 911.

Well fucking done dickhead. You really showed them.

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Hi-Point firearms - fucking good

2011-07-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

I've shot a lot of guns in my time. Some exotic, some downright homely. Sitting squarely in the homely section would be any gun from Hi-Point, the all American gun firm based in Ohio.

Hi-Points are a new discovery for me. These are very reliable guns. When I say very reliable, I mean these are guns that people report shooting 1k+ rounds through without a jam.

I can personally testify to the reliability of the 9mm carbine, which I've put close to 500 rounds through without issue. Today I got my hands on the 45 pistol, and so far it seems just as reliable as the carbine.

Go get some.

Osama Bin Laden is dead

2011-05-02T18:22:00.000-04:00

Fuck you Osama.

British cops!

2010-07-10T05:57:00.003-04:00

Clearly this guy is pissed. I mean, all his friends get the cool guns and he gets a shitty little tazer.The above post is not true

Sexy Israeli Hit Squad Lady

2010-02-18T06:21:00.002-05:00

I've got to say, I like the talent Israel is using for their covert work these days. 'Gail Folliard' seen here was one of the team sent to Dubai to whack Palestinian militant Mahmoud al-Mabhouh in January.

Nice work!
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To boldly go where no one has gone before, or crash

2010-01-31T19:27:00.006-05:00

Those of us lucky enough to have been involved in Star Trek online during closed beta, open beta and then the 'head start' launch feel a bit special.

Now we're T -2 days from launch day though it's about fucking time the servers stopped crashing...

Star Trek Online

2010-01-31T15:53:00.001-05:00

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Plane to plane mid-air switch

2009-10-31T16:29:00.001-04:00

This is fucking clever.

Backstreet Boys office remix

2009-10-24T01:15:00.002-04:00

No idea who these people are, if they really work in an office or why they're still employed... but this video is great... more power to them.

New tool in search for Air France Flight 447 wreckage

2009-06-05T06:08:00.003-04:00

The French navy has revealed a new tool that will aid them find missing flight 447. Tattoo from Fantasy Island is to be mounted on a special pole at the bow of a ship.

His uncanny sensory abilities will hopefully direct searchers as he yells "The plane! The plane!" in a funny midget voice.

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More disclaimers!

2009-06-04T18:14:00.007-04:00

Due to the graphic nature of this web site, I find it necessary to put this line at the end of every post from now on.

THE ABOVE POST IS NOT TRUE

Two girls one cup or 2g1c or 2 girls 1 cup - whatever

2009-06-04T18:11:00.004-04:00

So some sick fucker, no, I mean really sick, has posted this on the internet.

I warn you now... if you don't want two see a woman shitting in a glass and then eating it and then puking in another woman's mouth, don't click on the following link:

Two Girls One Cup

CHRIST!

Air France flight 447 survivors found in USA

2009-06-02T13:36:00.003-04:00

Several passengers from missing Air France flight 447 have been found by US Border Patrol agents in New Mexico.

The passengers are in good health and show no signs of distress. Curiously one of the passengers asked a reporter what the date was and became disoriented when learning it is 2009.

The discovery comes several hours after residents of Silver City, NM reported seeing a UFO in the area.

Neil, Kazumi and Sam Puttick

2009-06-02T11:38:00.005-04:00

This site is usually filled with childish drivel and other crap. This post isn't more of the same.

On Monday I read a story on the BBC about an apparent triple suicide. Two parents and their child were found at the bottom of a cliff. I was filled with anger towards the parents. I couldn't understand how a mother or father could take the life of their child no matter how bleak they felt their situation.

Today I learned the truth. The child, Sam, had died at home a few days earlier from natural causes and the parents had decided to end their own lives as a result.

As I read more I learned that Sam had been paralyzed when he was just a year old, his parents were devoted and loving and cared for him the remainder of his life.

A website was created called Stuff4Sam to raise money for Sam.

I usually don't have any compassion or empathy for suicides. In this case though I completely understand why Sam's parents took their lives.

The BBC article is here.

My thoughts go out to the friends and family left behind.